Just as a word of warning, this post is not G-rated.
When I got the idea to do this compilation, I had completely forgotten that May is National Masturbation Month, but how fitting! There are a ton of songs about love and sex, but a slightly smaller subcategory of songs about masturbation and privates (men like to sing about their boy parts a lot, actually). These are some of my favorite songs about self-love. I've even made you a Youtube playlist!
My Ding-a-Ling by Chuck Berry
I was planing on leaving this novelty tune off of the playlist until I heard this amazing live version. Chuck Berry apparently has an amazing sense of humor, as well as some pretty liberal ideas about sexuality. This song passed the censors of the day because it's "about a toy." Apparently this track got a lot of play on Dr. Demento, and it's not hard (tee hee) to see why. Not only is this song a great introduction to this playlist, but it's a great reminder that this sort of song can be fun, and there's nothing wrong with that.
In Quintessence by Squeeze
"In Quintessence" is not exclusively about masturbation, but it is about a fifteen-year-old boy, so there is the inevitable "In the corner with his book and tissue//all he can do is pretend to miss you//Closes his eyes as he sees her body//pulls funny faces and that's his hobby." It's also a fantastic song, both musically and lyrically.
Billy Liar by The Decemberists
In a similar vein, "Billy Liar" is about a boy's boredom during which he seems to spend a good deal of time with his pants/knickers down. "Billy Liar" comes from an English novel about a boy with an active imagination. Apparently the song character, however, imagines mostly one thing.
I Touch Myself by The Divinyls
Everyone's favorite, blatant song about masturbation can't be left out. The Bens (Ben Folds, Ben Kweller, and Ben Lee) also did a pretty amusing cover of it, but as this playlist shows, men touching themselves is a lot more commonplace anyway.
Captain Jack by Billy Joel
Billy Joel wrote this song about the teens in the housing project across from his apartment, who bought a kind of heroin called "Captain Jack." But because he's Billy Joel, it's not just an accusation or judgement on these teens. He imagines what it's like to be a poor teen, including, yes, the masturbation. It's a pretty depressing song all-in-all, it kind of gives the playlist bad vibes, but I love Billy Joel, so I can't leave this one out.
U + Ur Hand by P!nk
While this isn't really a song about masturbation, this feminist rock-anthem does center around P!nk telling a guy to self-service because he isn't getting anything from her.
She Bop by Cyndi Lauper
It's a nice change to hear a woman sing about self-love, since it almost seems like a pastime reserved for men, at least according to media. But Lauper sings openly about "she-bopping" and is adorable whilst doing so. She also reminds us that "She bop, he bop, a we bop//I bop, you bop, a they bop."
Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol
When I was younger, not only did I used to get Billy Idol and Billy Joel mixed up, but I also argued until I was blue in the face that this was just a fun pop tune. But the more research I do, it's probably about "dancing" with yourself. Especially when you see Idol's body language in the video. Still a great song, and a great addition to the playlist.
Turning Japanese by The Vapors
The internet loves to argue about this one, but at least three of the interpretations have to do with masturbation, so I'm calling it. Apparently it's actually about a guy who loses a girl and is so overcome by grief that he becomes someone else, but Urban Dictionary says otherwise.
Pictures of Lily by The Who
A boy has trouble sleeping until his father gives him a picture to stick on his wall. The implication is that something about this pin-up girl causes the narrator to be able to relax himself. He also says he falls in love with Lily. Pete Townshend got the idea for this song after seeing a picture of Lily Bayliss on his girlfriend's wall.
Pink Thing by XTC
Andy Partridge penned this unusual homage to his penis. In actuality, the song is built to have a dual meaning. Yes, it's about his penis, but hidden beneath that is the fact that it's about his son. You follow me? Because I barely do. Partridge and his wife apparently called their son "pink thing" when he was a baby, and Partridge wanted to write a song about his son without it being cheesy. Thus, he gave it a wax overcoat of being about a penis. It works.
Fingers by P!nk
Trust P!nk to make it on this list twice. Apparently her record company wants to make it really hard to get to this song. That's not coming from research, it's from experience. P!nk was going to include this on I'm Not Dead, then changed her mind, then released it on the platinum version of I'm Not Dead, so you have to buy the whole deluxe album to get it, and then I can't add it to this Youtube playlist because it's only viewable on its own. Anyway, it's about P!nk not getting enough from her boyfriend, so she has to finish the job herself. Very sexy tune, and a perfect wrap for this playlist.
Got any more? I'd love to hear them!